But here’s what she left behind.

There is a G’ma (and in my case, a Mum) sized hole in the world my darling niece.  She’s gone.  Every day the sense of something missing haunts me.  It’s a niggly feeling to start with, poking around in the back of my mind – a little like when I leave home for a long trip and I get this sense that I forgot to do something or pack something. It’s irksome and just a little unsettling at first, but as soon as I pay attention to it – whammo! – I remember. She’s gone.

I do hope that you are not as haunted as I am my sweets, but I do know for sure that you will be missing her too, greatly.

It’s almost been three months since she left us, and I keep wondering when life will hit this ‘new normal’ we’ve been promised.  I guess that’s why the saying ‘one day at a time’ was invented – for people like us, with G’ma and Mum sized holes in the world.  Perhaps one of these days-we-take-at-a-time will bring a new sense of normal, a feeling that we are now okay.  Until then, let’s just love each other a little harder.

So, the hiatus from lessons has been an unplanned one, but one I knew you would understand.  I’m ready to get back on the lesson-horse, so to speak, especially if you are ready to get back on with me?  I’ll have to hustle to catch up with my goal of 17 lessons this year!  The next lesson I had planned has gone out the window (for now), and I want to give you something about her … from her … for her.  I sat in the sun with a coffee and a notebook and challenged myself to jot down 17 lessons with love that your G’ma gave to me.  The exercise taught me that she gave me in excess of 1700 lessons, and the 17 I give to you here came super quickly and without much (or maybe even any) conscious thought.  I think your G’ma was sitting in the sun with me that day.

So here you go – 17 G’ma lessons with love:

1. Strength and bravery in adversity – she was one of the bravest people I know.  And I’m not just talking about her Cancer journey, I’m talking about every day of her life, through every challenge and mountain she faced.  She showed us what it was to get up every day and march forward, no matter what – and along with a bad-ass role model, she gave us some pretty kick-ass genes too. So don’t ever think you’re not capable of G’ma’s strength and bravery because you one hundred percent are.
2. Sisterhood – she gave me my three sisters.  They are on my personal list of human necessities: water, food, shelter, love, knowledge, sisters.  It is as adults we can see what Mum had been up to since we were born – creating a rock-solid and loving support network for each of her babies so that we each would always have everything we needed, even if she was gone.  Beyond our familial tribe, she showed us how important it was to create Sisterhood in our own lives.  Mum believed that to achieve our very best as women we needed to support, honour, and care for one another.   She was the epitome of leaving the ladder down so others may climb up with her, and she had so much love and respect for the many amazing female family members and friends in her life. (There’s a whole lesson coming on this, in fact, one I’d planned from the beginning)
3. Words matter – she always told me that my aptitude for and love affair with words was a gift.  In Mum’s eyes, I might as well have been Maya Angelou (Oh, what it would be to actually have her talents), as she would get me to scribe anything she felt was of importance – right down to her messages in greeting cards.  Mum taught me from a very early age that words matter – being able to use them with effect, the ability to voice them, and most importantly: the message(s) they convey.  Mum didn’t often say things she didn’t mean, but she often found the kind and authentic way to say what she did.  Use your words kindly and be authentic – say what you mean and mean what you say.
4. Equity is key – a lot of people could wait until high school Economics before requiring to learn the word ‘equity’, not me!  Seven years old was perfect timing according to your G’ma, and it stuck with me.  I was complaining about something between a sister and me – she had something and I did not (don’t’ ask me what it was she had as apparently only the lesson was sticky in the memory bank), I remember being horrified by the grossly unfair situation, as I saw it.  Mum assured me that the situation I was referring to was absolutely fair, and being the smarty-pants kid I was I took great delight in pointing out that my sister having X and me not having X was unequal and therefore, drum roll, unfair!  Mum then decided to explain the concept of equity to me along the lines of ‘okay so straight up equality is absolutely a form of fairness, but it is not the only kind, and nor is it always the right kind.’.  She explained that if sister got X through doing chores for Mum over the course of two weeks (as she had done) and I got nothing for doing no chores for two weeks, then yes, sister is standing there with an X and I have nothing, so the result is unequal.  The result is, however, in direct correlation to what each person put into achieving it, and therefore, equitable – in other words, X came as a just reward for the effort and work put into receiving it, and because of that, it is fair.  If we were both to be standing there with X in our hands when one had put the effort in to earn it and one had not, then that would be the unfair result.  Stuck with me ever since.  Social/Sister-justice G’ma style.
5. Unconditional love – there’s nothing like mothers and grandmothers to teach us about unconditional love, well, and maybe dogs too (I’d say pets, but cats are smart and crafty creatures and load a few conditions in with their feline affections).  Mum once told me that she loved us (the sisters and me) ‘warts and all’.  It doesn’t sound like the most pleasant metaphor for unconditional love, but she meant it, every word.  She explained that she didn’t love us in spite of our faults and foibles, nor in ignorance of them, she knew us completely and loved us completely for exactly who we each were – the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful.  Not all loves come without some conditions, in fact, I dare say only a few and very special ones do.  I got it the day I became a mother – cliche but bloody true. Your Mum loves you without a single condition, as did your G’ma – hold tight to those loves my niece for they are yours uniquely, and one day you’ll find your own ability to love someone so completely and wholly that no condition would seem important enough to matter.
6. Let people be who they are – the perfect follow up to G’ma’s lesson number 5.  Mum always encouraged us to be who we were.  She wanted us to grow and develop, but not to change who we were at our core, rather just work towards our best self.  There was only one G’ma, there is only one me, and there is only one you – so why deprive the world of our unique self by trying to be something/someone that’s already taken.  The flip side of this lesson is that, in accepting ourselves and striving to be who we are, we need to let others be who they truly are too.  There’s so much I could say here about how much this is needed in the world, especially right now, but I know you are a smart cookie and can no doubt see the broad application of this lesson.  Do your bit and stay you, be authentic and true to yourself, and as you do this let others be their true selves without prejudice or barrier.
7. Family first – like you, I grew up in a family of adults that centred on the family as a first priority.  What a safe, supportive and loving foundation to come from.  The joys of this when we are young (and often very wrapt up in ourselves) is that we always have a safe place to return to.  You have many of the almost purely self-focused years still ahead of you.  I went through them with relish – few responsibilities and only miles of freedom and opportunity ahead.  A blank canvas with which to paint your own story on – that’s the job of youth.  But when things really get tough, or when you are needed at home, remember that ‘family first’ is the foundation you travel through the world standing on, and be there for those who love and need you most.  Exactly like you did when we gathered together to do round-the-clock care for G’ma at home in her final weeks – I’ll say it again here, she would be so, so proud of you.  I am so, so proud of you.
8. Be present – I think this is a general, recurring, and important lesson in my life and one that I am still trying to master, daily.  I tell you one prime example in action of presence was your G’ma whenever her daughters or grandies were around.  Mum would always slow down, shut out other cares or concerns, and just be present in the moment when we gathered.  She was the master at soaking up her family, seeing each and every one, and hearing the spoken and unspoken in each of us.  Whenever I slow down and be present, good things come of it.  So you would think that I would be more proficient or mindful of doing it on the regular, right?  Ah, but alas, I forget the lesson.  There is so much good to be found in the right-here-and-now if we just stop to be fully present – try to bring as much of this to every day my sweets (as I will keep trying), it’ll change your (my) life for the better!
9. Dreams come true – your G’ma raised us on the idea that dreams do come true.  She encouraged us to have as much vision in our lives as possible – dreams, goals, ideas, desires and aspirations.  She urged us to think about the things we most wanted until the picture in our head was so defined we could almost touch them.  Once we were clear on what we wanted, and it was so real in our heads we could almost touch it, the decisions that would come along our path and the work that needed to be done to get there seemed so clear and understandable it was like nature taking its course.  Your mum, aunties and I could all give you examples of how we made things we desired for ourselves a reality. Have a vision for what you most want in your life Miss Lily – once you are clear on it, the path and the work will appear.
10. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar – one of the first lessons Mum taught me in navigating relationships and interactions with others.  Being an approachable, kind, open, positive person is going to get you a lot further in almost all situations than being bitter, angry, aggressive and/or rude.  Be responsible for the energy you bring to the room, and remember that if you are hoping people will be kind, understanding and/or helpful to you, you best bring the honey.  I don’t always get this perfect, far from it, but I do hear your G’ma’s voice in my head when I can feel myself getting a bit worked up or annoyed in a situation – when I listen and catch myself in time to bring the honey, the outcome is almost always a heck of a lot better than when I don’t.  Honey is not guaranteed 100%, but it increases your chances of getting what you want by a long shot.
11. Authenticity – this has probably been laced through a few of G’ma’s lessons already, but it’s important enough to stand on its own.  My mum had a bull-sh*t radar of the highest order, she could sniff insincere, fake, or false a mile away.   I’m quite pleased to say that I think this is an intuition she passed to me and the sisters (and quite possibly to you too).  Mum valued people being authentic, and she, in turn, was someone who was very in touch with and true to herself. Your G’ma wanted us to be truthful, to ourselves and others, and she always hoped we would feel comfortable in our own skin.  We’ve all slipped up and slipped off our authentic selves from time to time, but we always endeavour to remember who we are, who she loved ‘warts and all’, and be our real selves out in the world.  Don’t be afraid to be uniquely you sweets, even when it doesn’t feel like that’s the greatest fit for the situation – something real is always worth a million times more than something that is not.
12. Laugh at yourself – I think some of the funniest, pee your pants, laugh till you cry moments in my life has been in the company of my Mum, my Dad and my sisters – laughing at ourselves and each other – you’ve probably even been there for more than a few of them too.  Who could forget the unique G’ma idioms over the years – Misty Fisty – need I say more?   Mum was never afraid to laugh at herself, or at us for that matter, and in fact, her dry wit and sarcasm are legendary in our family.  I think she took a lot of ‘heaviness’ and extreme expectation out of my head as a child by role modelling that it was okay to mess up, and in fact, we could laugh about it.  Remember to laugh my sweets, sometimes it’s the best antidote to what’s ailing us.
13. Give – it is so important in life to give, and your G’ma was the epitome of that.  She was a talented, loving, creative, inspiring lady who was constantly giving to others.  I think that in her magical way she cracked the elusive formula whereby the more she gave to others the more she filled her own tank.  Luckily for me, her daughters were high on the list of her recipients.  I’m not talking about putting everything and everyone else first, but rather just that you should be mindful in the ways you can give to others – time, love, energy, support, voice, ideas – or whatever it might be.  What you have to give is valuable, and when you are brave and give of yourself, good things can come from it.  We were brought up in a civic and service-minded family, and I’m so proud to see that extending to the next generation too.  You are already doing some great things in this regard Miss Lily, and just remember to keep that up in ways that make sense to your life as you move forward.
14. Creativity is valuable – as a kid learning of all the commodities in the world with great value, creativity didn’t seem to be high on the list – until Mum intervened and set me straight.  Mum was so creative, and it was something she brought to everything: motherhood; household; work; community. These days it’s much more valued, and openly, thank goodness.  But back then I was a kid with imagination and what my greatest teacher, Gilly, termed ‘vision’, in a sea of kids with physically manifesting talents, it was nice to find my place. The secret is that (I believe) creativity is a muscle that we all have.  Some work on building it up more than others, but we all have the potential.  We each of us have it in us to create and to make something from nothing.  Embrace creativity in your life my sweets, and make space for it.  You come from a line of women who have navigated life on their smarts, their compassion, and their creativity – whatever way you decide to apply it in your own life is all up to you, but however you do it, remember it is valuable.
15. Develop high standards – as a mother, G’ma didn’t tend to sweat the small stuff.  When she picked a battle, it was with the big picture in mind.  Mum had high standards for us, and she made sure we developed high standards for ourselves.  To her, the battles worth picking were based on the fundamentals, on sound principles and values, and the attitudes and behaviours that were going to ensure we could be the best version of ourselves that day and in the future.  So take it from G’ma, don’t sweat the small stuff Miss Lily, pick the stuff that matters to the big picture, and focus on them.  Your standards aren’t about living up to what others want, it’s about living up to what you want. Even G’ma stopped enforcing her standards for us as we grew up – she knew we had developed our own way in it, and it was now about living up to what was important to ourselves.
16. Have an open heart – I’m not quite sure what happened in the making of your G’ma, but she seemed to be given a heart twice the size of a normal one.  All of the good stuff in life seems to be directly linked to our heart-space, and if we are brave enough to open it up, we only increase our happiness.  Mum always had room for people in her heart, in her family, and in her life.  You only need to count through the ‘adopted’ family members over the years, the people that have come to be an integral and important part of our lives.  Your G’ma was at the centre of all of that.  Throughout our life, she showed us how it was to open your heart to others, and that as a result of this the love in our family and community only grew.  Love is not an exhaustible resource, so remember to open your heart and grow your own family and community as you go through life.
17. Stand up for yourself, stand up for others – one of the greatest G’ma lessons, and the one I’ll end with today is that we should not be afraid to stand up for ourselves, and we should be brave enough to stand up for others too.  Unfortunately, there is a lot of unfairness, unjustness, and plain old wrongness in the world, and sometimes it’ll cross our path.  Mum was a mother who wanted her daughters to feel safe, empowered, and respected in the world, but she couldn’t always be there to make sure of it.  So, she taught us that we needed to be our own best friend, and when things are not right, and uncomfortably so, we need to stand up for ourselves.  I perhaps got a little too good at this, and early on, because there were many times I would take on the bullies or injustices as a kid and not even tell her.  I think there would have been times she could have really helped, and I wished I had let her do that more.  I’m pretty fierce at protecting those I love, and I can already see that same trait in you, my darling niece, but there are also times when it might not be a loved one that needs our help, and we need to be brave for them too.  G’ma stood up for what she felt was right, whether it be for herself or for others, and I think that’s a legacy we can definitely continue in her honour.

 

So there you have it, 17 G’ma lessons with love.  I sat down in the sunshine with a notebook and a coffee and decided to free-write a list of 17 important things she taught me.  And what that activity taught me was that this list could go on and on and on.  What the writing of this post taught me is that even though she’s gone and we now have G’ma and Mum sized holes in the world, what she left behind for us is infinite and immortal.

She’s gone, but we’re still here Miss Lily, and she lives on in each and every day through all that she left behind.  She lives on in you and in me.

Love always,

Aunty xo